Monday, May 11, 2015

Honoring the present.

I've recently found myself in a season of life where it seems like all I'm doing is waiting. Waiting for something big to happen. A big move, a big epiphany, a breakthrough, an adventure. For a few days everything looked bleak; I looked around me and I could see nothing that felt like a worthy investment of myself in the present. The waiting for "something" felt big and heavy, something I wanted to avoid desperately. But you can't just wish months and years of your life away. There's nowhere to go while those months run their course, nowhere to hide from the long days and weeks that take forever to pass and are suddenly gone like a vapor.

So what to do? I know, theoretically, that today holds a unique treasure. This time with my sons, my husband, my in-laws, my sort-of church that I've fought to keep myself distant from so that it doesn't hurt when we move.. this time is sacred. It's true that in several months our lives will probably change a lot and some of those changes might be welcome and exciting, but what about now? Do I want to endure it or relish it? Of course I want to relish it if I can. I want to find the hidden sweetness and draw it out like a long cord through every day, so that when this season of waiting is over, all I have is that lingering sweetness instead of my frantic escapism.

I keep running into this ridiculous notion that if I can just hang on for a few years, I'll wake up one day and my life will be so lovely and organized. The messiness and chaos will be gone and I'll finally be free of my desire to escape challenging situations and build walls around my vulnerable heart. I'm a little skeptical about all of this actually coming to pass, even though I'm leaving myself open to it (:P). I think what will really happen is that in a few years I will look back on this time with more generous eyes and see that what I perceived as being hard and messy and ugly was actually precious. A gift of an experience that I would never want to wish away in retrospect because it's part of what honed my eye in its search for beauty, what made my vulnerable heart grow a little stronger, and what put another ounce of enduring steel into my spirit.

There is a treasure to be found in today. Sometimes it's carved from depths of brokenness and held with hands that shake with weakness and fatigue. But it's there. In the spot where we feel the least victorious, and yet we refuse to surrender to the feelings of failure and press on. That's where the growth is happening. In the words of the Edwards of Misty Mountain, "If you don't quit you win."

As my own special exercise in honoring the present in all its lack of glamor, I decided I would choose a random day to do a "day in the life" kind of post and capture and embrace the now. It's going to be epic, and you won't want to miss it, so stay tuned. ;)

For now I leave you with these bluebonnet pictures. Because a blog post with no pictures is like a spring day with no flowers.


4 comments:

  1. "There is a treasure to be found in today. Sometimes it's carved from depths of brokenness and held with hands that shake with fatigue. But it's there."
    Oh my. Darling, that's so profound...I want to send it out to everyone I know. Thank you for ministering Jesus in you to all of us through your brokenness.

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  2. Wow! Hannah, this is so good. I love your heart, cause it's just so beautiful. I love you.

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    1. Wow, Steph, you're so nice. :) I love you too. Thank you!

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